It is a struggle tonight not to allow my longing to slay my appetite for living. As my heart prepares for children, I long to prepare my home, the room that waits for them. Fears and doubts rise up in me tonight. This is the first day it has been hard to see my friends growing bellies and approaching due dates. Yes, my child is coming. But he or she is not protected within my body, but within my prayers. Very personally, I feel the strong pull to be normal and doubt if God is really asking us to do the non-normal thing in the first step of growing our family. My sweet baby, people doubt me and they may possibly doubt us. Somehow the path chosen for us is looked on as second in importance by some whether they mean to or not. I doubt myself that I will give you what you need. Tonight I doubt if I want to be different. But not for one minute do I doubt if you are worth all of it and ten thousand more. I long to be your Mama, to hear you call my name, to love you, rock you, read to you, hold you, laugh with you and see the pride in Jesus eyes as he bonds with you, teaching you things. It is in me to want to do somethign for you this very minute. You are in my heart and I'm waiting for you. You are so loved, so wanted, thought about every hour. I lay awake at night talking with God about you. Father God, please protect my heart from hurt. Please give Your eternal perspective and wisdom to Jesse and me. Please give us wisdom, peace, and Your love. Perfect Friend, please help me to trust You and not listen to other voices. Help me to wait and to sit at Your feet. "Tell me King, waht can I do for You?" Keep in my mind that children are for Your honor and purposes. They are Yours which You entrust for a time. Help me remember that You are the meaning of life. You are my source of life and love. Fill my empty hands. Show me how to trust, how to empty them so You can fill them with the gifts that honor You. Be honored in my life, Lord Jesus. Please open our hearts to even radical changes, to that which only You can do. What do my minor hurts and doubts matter when You will be lifted up? I do ask You to re-affirm this decision in our hearts yet again. Multiply Your love in me Lord. I feel so unloving lately and struggle with some people. I tend to be overly sensitive, easily hurt and insecure. Please change me and keep me looking to You, thanking You and seeing Your hand in my days. I do love You. Amen.
-journal entry written March 21, 2011
